personal diary. will wipe if needed.
s' just you and i in this storm. take refuge?
đ„ | date 11/20/24
" (...) that what [] is doing right there, He's inventing a reason to be mad, right? it's that thing of like, 'I can't allow myself to understand these things as signs of affection, I must understand them as signs of condescention, I must understand them as signs of fakeness, signs that he's just taking advantage of me.
I HAVE to because, again, I'm clinging on for dear life to my last understanding of a stable position to be in a relationship. If he does anything that challenges that understanding, that challenges the stability of the place that I have to stand on - that's bad. that's scary so instead, I'm going to invent a reason to resent him and be mad at him - so that these glimmering feelings of actual affection don't develop anything further.
People will do this, and I speak from experience, you will do this to yourself all the time. Pay attention to that part. If you have trauma around abandonment, like broken relationships and heartbreak, pay attention to the reasons you invent to be resentful or angry with your partners.
Because you WILL. Because that's a very normal coping mechanism for when you don't know how to deal with what's actually going on with you. Subsuming it all into anger is a way to take some agency over it, but unfortunately, it's also a great way to push your partner away from you, drive a rift between you, or create a feeling of deep uncertainty, fear and insecurity in your partner when they try very hard to express love to you and you don't express anything back whatsoever.
Because you just can't face the fear of emotionally engaging with them so when they send you really really long texts and asking you how your day was, and âwould you want to do somethingâ, you just sent back single word answers because you don't know how to engage with the love that they're showing you.
That's a thing that you can do sometimes. That can happen to you.â